2023 Had Its Ups and Downs

This last year I was diagnosed with ADHD and through one of my assessments it was brought to light that there were correlating factors to Autism too. It also brought to light this in my immediate family also.

I grieved alot this year for the child I was and the absolute extreme abuse I gave myself for never being this idolised version of me that I never wa

I was horrible to myself constantly because:-

I’ve never been a size 10

I’ve never been the straight A student

I’ve never been the one who understands instructions without visual description

I’ve never been the mother who had all her ducks in a row and had my children’s daily itinerary packed out to the nines.

I hated being employed

I have had numerous health issues

I actually had meltdowns and breakdowns from being in busy environments and trying so hard to keep up with the “jones” ( metaphorically of course)

no matter what I accomplished I was never fully satisfied because I assumed that achievement would fix my deep sense of uselessness and it never did

Basically everything I was - I hated

These last five years have brought me closer and closer to me and my family and the acceptance of who we are and how we are and all the bits I’m most proud of is everything people don’t see or can’t see , or d we can appreciate for that matter

This time of year is for rest and recovery to submerse in to the darkness to bloom like a flower

This year I had to face being more honest than usual and enforcing healthy boundaries and on the contrary I experienced this with others too and it was eye opening and healing

I saw so much of me that never was what I told myself I was and that who I am is all that bad

One thing for sure moving forward is no matter how I learn and how difficult I find creating things that others may find easier , when I want it to happen I find a way and then I am fulfilled

With every mistake , I’ve learned how to do it more and more my own way , if that means it takes ten times longer than someone else so be it, because I will always keep giving my best my way

I’m not a failure for having to repeat exams or patterns umpteen times before my brain fully gets it.

My children are not less than because if having me as their mother

They have been my biggest and best teachers to allow me to accept that learning and understanding takes whatever time it needs and is achieved authentically in whatever timeframe is needed

Most importantly there is more ways than one to learn and as well as timing

At nearly 42 and it’s taken me until now to see that when a person really wants something they create opportunities to make it happen no matter what roads they have to take to get there and if they don’t want it that’s their choice

Getting there faster doesn’t alwyas mean better

This year taught me so much and along with the heavy rain came heavy tears, for that I am grateful because it has been through allowing these tears I have a bigger smile and fuller heart

And certainly more empathy and love to share than ever

We are all amazing individuals and it’s 100% ok to be you , your way and fulfil your passions and dreams the way that’s right for you.

Just promise me not to stand in your own way like I have before hoping that I can only make it if I become someone I’m not x

I love a lot and I’m no longer scared of being a slushy big ginger lover and trying something and getting it wrong because somehow il get it right later.

Huge love always

Em x