My Handsome Dad <3
He Would Have Been 80 Years Old!
This last week has been exhausting and I won’t lie and say I’ve woken up feeling full of beans, I feel pretty fed up .
My Dad died of a sudden brain hemorrhage.
He was with us one minute then gone the next. Death literally can be so sudden. It’s traumatic and even to this day I have flashbacks around seeing him unresponsive on the bedroom floor.
It’s shown up a lot recently and I can’t say during these times that I didn’t feel like I had gone back there that everything was happening again.
After we switched off his life support, I left the room and my phone started beeping. I had a voice message come through.
It was a message my dad had left the week before , saying how excited he was that I was coming home for Christmas. Not once did my phone inform me of that message until literally after he passed.
I have faith our loved ones are with us and they often leave us messages to let us know they are there.
It’s not easy dealing with a death it feels like love has been wrenched out of you and your left as a shell with nothing to give or receive.
It feels scary to love the ones who are still here, because the pain of loss is so debilitating.
Yet that misunderstood projection of keeping your love withheld or safe in a box is a whole other level of grief - you feel your grieving everything and everyone, unsafe to be worthy of love.
It’s an incredibly vulnerable feeling.
I wish both Sam and all my children could have met him in person.
I wish I could pop home and see the kids jump all over him and argue about silly shit that doesn’t matter.
Because all I want to experience is love.
Sometimes my arms just springs open to it all and it also pours out of me effortlessly and other times , I can feel the resistance to be vulnerable to love, that has been mostly from not loving myself!
But for today, I'll just feel everything that comes up. The good , the best, the bad and the worst - and just be mindful that all of it is love.
Huge love 
Em x