My Personal Journey Being a Parent Hasn’t Been an Easy Ride

I didn’t understand why I would have meltdowns so frequently when I was overwhelmed , heck I couldn’t even understand why I was so overwhelmed to begin with considering I was trying to do everything that supposedly would make like amazing .

I had a career, I had qualifications , I had experience , I had a home and a partner - yet everything became sooo hard , so much so I didn’t want to be here.

I thought yet again I had totally failed and now I had chidren to care for.

Not only was the responsibility heavy , the expectations were unhealthy .

I would be told constantly to NEVER express my emotions in front of my kids, to never shout, to never cry, to never make a mistake and certainly to never step out of line.

I found I had to keep all my shit together all of the time in space where I could previously let myself unmask from the world - now I was havning to mask in my home in front of my own family AGAIN!

This eventually led me to a seriously mental and physical break down.

It was from this breakdown in 2018 that I started to fit the missing pieces of the jigsaw together and I realised both my children and myself had undiagnosed NDs.

I went to hell and back with this understanding and yet the one most profound thing I learned was NOT to hide who I am and how I experience the world from my kids.

BUT to take FULL responsibility for my behavior when I’m finding life hard.

My children have seen me cry, they have heard me shout, they have seen me panic and they have experienced me making mindless and silly mistakes when I am overwhelmed and scared of the world.

I’m not wearing this as a badge of honour - but I have every time apologised and explained why it has happened - I’m not making excuses , I’m letting them know that it’s common, it’s actually pretty normal and that there are always better ways to cope , without huge judgement and embarrassment.

I’m not suggesting children haven't been effected by this but they know , it’s not them causing it , it’s my brain shutting down to try to regulate.

They understand that they too find life complex and that they too will get overwhelmed.

This assumption that a person who never gets effected by life is a superhero is an unrealistic and unhealthy idol to aspire to- because that pressure alone can lead to serious meltdowns and struggles with mental health.

So , being me , I’m as a open as a book, I want to share I find life difficult , I love life too, but I find it hard and I’m not a failure of a mother for allowing my children to know that real life is hard and that if we find it hard we are not failing .

( for the record - I’m not suggesting physically hurting or abusing a child is ok, I’m stating that being a human and having difficulties self regulating emotions is actually pretty normal)

I’ve needed a lot of help to overcome and continue to improve and develop - there should be no shame in that.

So here’s to all the other parents who make mistakes and takes the best level of responsibility for them and willing to learn and adapt to suit THEIR personal needs, not the unrealistic expectations that are often suggested .

Huge love

Em x